


Count my breathing

by Pocketfulofshit



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Almost smut, Angst, Connor is dead, Evan is so fucking gone, Everyone is gone, Fluff, Jared loves Evan, Kleinsen, M/M, Makeout Sesh, Tree bros used to date, Underage Drinking, deeeeeeep, i don't know how to tag tho, the triple threat- smut angst fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 04:57:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11306127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pocketfulofshit/pseuds/Pocketfulofshit
Summary: Evan felt something crawl up his throat. It made him want to cry. His eyes prickled as he stared into Jareds. Had his eyes always been this beautiful? Maybe it was the alcohol speaking, or the realization that he cared for the shorter boy, but Evan pressed his lips against Jared's in a fit of passion.(Evan is depressed after Connors (his dead boyfriend) funeral and Jared calls him up. Evan may or may not get drunk)





	Count my breathing

The more burnt the match got, the more it smelt like him. Maybe that's all Connor was. A discarded match that Evan could try and renew by dipping it into the hot wax, but knowing each time he pulled him out it would never change. Each new glossy layer was just another expectation for him. Something else that he was expected to be. A straight A student, a heterosexual, or in Evans case happy. 

Evan knew that's all everyone wanted him to be, Dr Sherman, his mom, hell maybe even Jared. If so many people wanted him to be content, why couldn't he be? He should at least try. At least try not to be such a failure in the eyes of others. All I have to do is try Evan thought to himself as he dipped the match into the hot wax, bringing it up to his nose every now and than. Somehow this old waxy incense seemed to smell just like Connor. It was light and airy, but with a sharp tinge of the recognizable smoke. 

He remembered when Connor would hug him and he would bury his face in his sweater to try and forget the days occurrences. He remembered laying flat on Connors bed as he spread his fingers across the quilt. He remembered that smell in everything that was Connor. And since about a week after his death, all he could do was sob and dip the match in the familiar wax. Trying to bring him back through a silly smell wasn't a possibility, he knew that. But he couldn't stop. He couldn't try not to remember his boyfriend. So all he could do was lay there, until he felt a buzz and a familiar hum come from under his pillow. 

Evan laid down the match and brought the phone to his ear, picking at the stiching on his bedspread. He didn't bother looking at the caller ID. 

" Hell- um " Evan cleared his throat, surprised at the roughness in his voice. "Hello?"  
" Ev! So you finally decided to up huh? I've been calling you for three days straight, and when you finally pick up all I get is a hello? Come on don't I deserve a little more recognition? Speaking of, where the hell have you been? I haven't seen you since the uh funeral.. you holding up okay the- " Jareds voice leaked through the phone with slight concern and nonchalantness when Evan cut him off.  
"Jared can I come to your house.. please?" Evan asked desperately. The words tugged at Jared's chest, the hopelessness in the other boys words hurt.  
"Yah.. sure I guess. Want me to pick you u-"  
"I'll walk. See you."  
This was kind of weird.. Jared had noticed Evans smooth voice. He wasn't stuttering.. at all. In fact he seemed confident. 

Jared ran a hand through his hair wondering where the sudden change had come from. He knew Evan must not be taking Connors death well, and if he was being honest he didn't expect him too. But he wanted him to. He wanted Evan to be over the musky brown haired man. He wanted Evan to be okay. He wanted Evan to be happy. 

Three sharp knocks interrupted his thoughts.  
Jared felt his heart race as he trotted down the stairs, surprisingly excited to see the strawberry blonde. When he wrapped his fingers around the knob he felt a tug come from the other way, most likely Evan trying to open the door. Jared hadn't even seen Evan and could already tell something was off. The door swung open and he saw Evan. 

His eyes were sucked in and he had dark circles under his eyes. His hair was ruffled and seemed to stick out in weird places that Jared would have found cute in any other situation. He was wearing the same navy blue button down from the funeral. The funeral was weeks ago! In fact he seemed to be wearing the exact same outfit from the funeral except for the blazer. His tie hung loosely and undone around his neck and his lips looked chapped. What the hell happened?  
Evan could sense the flash of concern in his friends eyes. Yes his friend. Not family friend. Evan was done with calling him family friend. Evan was done with everything and he needed a damn distraction. Hence Jared. 

The first words that passed through the taller boys lips were unexpected. "You still h-have the key to y-your moms liquor cabinet?"  
Jared's eyebrows raised and he nodded hesitantly. "Y-yah follow me."  
There was this unspoken agreement hanging around the room that no one was supposed to question anything.Just go along with it Jared, he told himself. Evan felt Jared wrap his long fingers around his wrist and he tugged him to the kitchen. 

His wrist dropped against his thigh as Jared unlocked the large cabinet with a silver key. He tucked two bottles of vodka under his arm and hoisted himself on counter, Evan following his movements. Again the shorter boy looked at the other concerned. Evan simply shrugged it off and grabbed a bottle from the other.

Jared watched as Evan Hansen tilted the bottle into his mouth and began to chug. He hadn't expected this at all. He knew Evan was longing to forget, but he had imagined the taller boy crying into his arms more than him sitting on the counter chugging a bottle of vodka. When Evan finally detached his lips from the glass ringed bottle he coughed harshly. Jared opened his mouth to ask if he was okay but Evans lips were soon attached to the bottle again. Jared sighed and wiped his hands on his plaid throw over shirt and walked towards Evan . 

Jared put his hands on the blondes shoulder and spoke harshly, knowing it was the only way to pull him from this trance. "Evan what the hell? You don't answer your phone for a couple weeks and when you do you ask to come over and drink my whole liquor cabinet! Okay look I know your mourning and you are allowed to but Jesus, it's time to move on. You can't stay on this for the rest of your goddamn life." 

Evan felt something crawl up his throat. It made him want to cry. His eyes prickled as he stared into Jareds. Had his eyes always been this beautiful? Maybe it was the alcohol speaking, or the realization that he cared for the shorter boy, but Evan pressed his lips against Jared's in a fit of passion. Jareds eyes grew larger as he watched the other boys eyes close as a single tear ran down his cheek. 

Jared had never expected this to be his first kiss with Evan. His mouth tasted of alcohol, but also with a slight hint of honey, and surprisingly he liked it. Evan moved his lips around the other boys and Jared couldn't help but think about how long he's been longing for this moment. But it didn't feel right. Evan wasn't in a good place right now, but the way Evans tongue moved around his mouth and the tiny noise the escaped his lips, Jared couldn't pull himself away. Slowly Jared nipped along Evans jawline as the taller boy gasped slightly. 

Jared looked back up at the beauty against him and noticed another tear slide down his cheek. Evans eyes were probably watering from the alcohol.. right? 

Evan tried desperately to swallow down the tears as he ran his hand through his friends hair. He just realized how long he has wanted this. How long he had wanted Jared.. or at least he thinks so. Jared kisses like Connor. Almost identical it seemed, and right now that's all that Evan needed. The similarity of it all made his eyes prickle again. He wanted to enjoy this time with Jared, even if he was drunk. His stupid mind was blocking him from being happy. It was always like this. Evan trying to fucking enjoy himself and than that little voice in the back of his head would pull him back to reality, back to sense. But more and more these days, that voice was starting to sound like Connor. And that only made him want to forget even more. 

Jared was now working his was down Evans neck, biting and claiming the pale skin below him leaving pink splotches. This was the happiest Jared has ever been. He tried so hard, so fucking hard to forget that Evan was drunk and in pain. But maybe.. just maybe he knew what he was doing.. maybe he wanted this as much as Jared. He glanced back up at the gasping boy and guilt hit him hard in the stomach as he saw the boy was crying. Evan Hansen was crying. His Evan Hansen was crying.. and possibly because of him. 

Jared pulled away. "Hey Evan.. Evan honey are you okay..?" 

"Oh I-I'm fine Jared." Evan tried to hide the swelling of hurt in his voice. The longing for someone who was gone forever. Or maybe the longing for someone to know his struggles. "Please just keep kissing me Jared.." 

Kleinman shook his head and held Evans cheek in his hand brushing his thumb against the raw salty skin. "No- no Evan you don't look okay, do you just wanna talk?" Jared sat up. Evan shook his head furiously. "Jared no I uh.. I need you to kiss me." Evan pressed his lips to Jareds again crying harder with each second and Jared shoved away licking his lips. Hoping to hold onto the taste of Evan. 

" Evan you need to calm down okay? Your- your drunk and your not.. mentally stable. " 

Evan was now in tears, shaking and trying to force their lips together again. " Jared please! Please I-I-I need this! I-I need it so ba-bad! Please Jared just.. please..!" The blonde rocked back and forth not even trying to kiss him any more. Just repeating the words over and over. He needed to feel like he was worth something. He needed to have someone tell him he was pretty, and maybe Jared would do those things if he made Jared feel good? Maybe if he gave him something he wanted..? Maybe if he kissed him for long enough it would slip. Or maybe it wouldn't. And Evan would have another giant hole left in him. Only digging deeper into the current one. It would probably ruin their friendship. Their friendship that was built on shitty jokes and back handed insults. Their friendship that somehow was the only thing keeping Evan together. 

"Just-just say I'm wo-worth it please.. te-tell- tell me I'm p-pretty I- Jared please I wanna be-be worth it.. I need you to k-kiss me right now... I want you to k-kiss me.. I- I wanna be pretty Jar-Jared.." Evans words flowed swiftly and split and hit Jared in the heart. Evan wanted to be wanted. Evan Hansen, the boy Jared had had a crush on for four years. Evan Hansen, the one who had made Jared feel wanted. Evan Hansen who could make anyone smile on their worst day. And Evan Hansen who was crying before him wanting to feel needed. To feel special. Jared was close to tears himself. 

" Evan.. you are the most.. most beautiful, most special boy I have laid eyes on. I know I-I act all tough and that I care about no one. I know I treat you like shit. But I'm just scared. I'm so fucking scared you'll see me for who I really am. The insanely cool Jared Kleinman who loves the outrageously perfect Evan Hansen. I wish I could show you how much you mean to me. How much you've made me feel special... that.. that day that you came to me.. I remember you were crying and you were on my doorstep.. god you just started yelling and screaming. You told me off, which I deserved and in the middle you let something slip. Evan I know you tried to kill yourself that day you 'fell' from the tree. I know that and I have known that. And ever since I've known that I've been so fucking scared and- and worried. And especially after what.. what happened to Connor. I just.. I want you to be safe and I want you to feel wanted and I want you to feel happy." 

I want you to be happy Evan thought to himself. The words circled his mind and at the moment, on that rainy day in Jared Kleinmans kitchen.. Evan felt wanted. 

Words aren't needed in moments like these. When it's just two people rocking back and forth to each other's breathing, wiping away the tears, no words need to be said. Everything is understood and all they can do is listen. Evan to listen to the breathing of Jared, and Jared to watch to the number of times Evan smiles. And this is as good as it gets. No epic happy ending. No confession of love from both. Because this is real life and real life doesn't work like fairy tales. It's full of back stabbing and smiles and disappointed sighs. This is as good as it gets, Jared holding onto Evan and Evan clinging to Jared.  
This is perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Whale I hope y'all liked that.  
> Idk if you noticed but I got Kinda depressed at the end there. Whoops.  
> Kudos and comments r appreciated.   
> Don't be afraid to give constructive criticism and some future prompts? Eh?  
> Anyways night, boiii <3


End file.
